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Walking The Dog

They say that the best things in life are free. But this is of course a lie. Hookers, cocaine and gladiatorial death matches all cost a fair whack. But walking the dog really is one of the few simple pleasures in life that doesn’t cost a thing (well unless your dog takes a massive shit on the pavement, that’ll cost you!)

They say that the best things in life are free. But this is of course a lie. Hookers, cocaine and gladiatorial death matches all cost a fair whack. But walking the dog really is one of the few simple pleasures in life that doesn’t cost a thing (well unless your dog takes a massive shit on the pavement, that’ll cost you!) Is there anything better than taking your four legged friend on a gay jaunt around fields (that resemble stolen car graveyards)? Feeling the wind in your hair as you stroll across the Yorkshire Dales with your girl on your arm (or boy, I’m not judging) your little Jack Russell Terrier skipping round your feet, joyously bounding up and down desperately trying to get your attention. A more prettier picture could not be painted unless the dog also came with a pair of surface to air missile launchers on it’s back, but I digress. However if this simple task is performed wrong then the result could so easily be DEATH!

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“Pictured: Your grave, overgrown and unloved.”

Step One- Acquiring A Dog.

Most self help guides of this nature would just assume that the reader would already have a dog. But we are not most guides and “assume” makes a “Ass” out of “U” and “Me”. So selecting your dog is the first of many pitfalls you will come across before you are able to successfully complete the act of dog walking without impaling yourself on a fence.

Everyone’s criteria for choosing a dog is different. Some people want cuteness, others companionship and a proportion of us want them to maul children. Our advice to you here is a three step program:

Do you have a big house?

Do you have a garden?

Are there any inquisitive children nearby, that could possibly climb into the garden and get everything they deserve?

Now you must be honest with yourself. If the answers to these questions are yes then the bigger dog the better. If no get yourself a smaller dog and feed it steroids. Dogs can be acquired almost anywhere as they are normally left tied up and unattended outside shops. Just pass your local Tesco and pick one up, any dog will quickly forget its’ previous owner and happily go home with you if you offer it a few biscuits. *sigh* If only women were that easy.

With your dog in tow you are now ready to take your first steps towards “walkinghood”(TM)

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“It’s all fun and games until someone loses a eye.”

Step Two- Equipment

Unlike the British military most dog walkers like to know the equipment they’ll be using in the field will be of a certain standard. Before you can even set foot out of the house you must be carrying the following items.

Dog Lead- Preferably made of titanium. This is imperative to stop your dog madly bounding off in the direction of oncoming traffic. They will do this.Doggy Bags- Not for a mid walk snack, you fat bastard. These are for collecting your dogs “leavings” from the pavement. Don’t worry about grass though that’s a dogs natural lavatory, cleaning that up would be like pulling turd’s from a toilet (why would anyone want to touch poo?). You can dispose of the filled doggy bags in a variety of different ways such as prizes for trick or treaters, pushed through the letter boxes of your enemies or just used as “dog shit fertilizer”.Thermos flask of tea and sandwiches- The bigger the dog the longer the walk. I’ve seen Great Dane owners walking for days before their animal allowed them home. So be prepared for this.Tranquilizer/Real Gun- We must remember at all times that dogs are nothing but a bundle of muscles, a set of teeth and a primordial instinct to feed. If your dog catches the scent of blood in the air it can drive even the most mild mannered of beasts into a feeding frenzy akin to sharks. Sometimes a dog owner must make that terrible decision to save a group of school kids by cutting their own dog down in full bloodlust leap.

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“The cold dead eyes of a killer”

Step Three- Your first steps.

After managing to tie the dogs lead securely around the animals throat (using an impressive series of loops and knots) your ready to take your first steps outside. Beware the second you open your door and the dog smells the insane smell of freedom it will immediately make a break for it. So make sure you have a strong grip (use your wanking arm to hold the dogs lead as the strength in it will be significantly more powerful).

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