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Charles Band "Horror Show" Rant & Review

The Charles Band "Horror Show" Rant & Review is an article about the schlock-meister's traveling so-called "Horror Show" from a few years ago. Horror buffs will know Charles Band as the producer of the Puppet Master films (among countlesss others) from the 1980's. Let's just say he did not grow wiser as he grew older... Warning: this article contains a high snark factor! Proceed at your own risk.

The Charles Band "Horror Show" Rant & Review

My husband and I received tickets to the Portland show for my birthday, and I have to say I was very curious and excited to see the show, being that we are avid horror fans and my husband is a monster maker for props and movies. I had checked out the web site beforehand, watched the vidcasts, etc. and based on the very little information given regarding the 'Horror Show' we weren't quite sure what to expect. I was particularly interested to see clips from past and present films, and even more interested to hear juicy Hollywood stories (Gary Busey stories were advertised, but not delivered) and to check out the props and toys he would have available.

Well. A wild ride indeed. One crappy 'hot chick story', 2 stoned, half naked local strippers and an inundation of nerdly hopefuls later, we walked out early. It's clear that this 'Horror Show' has no real format, and that Chuck is just winging it hoping that the paltry prop offerings and DVD releases of the latest crap-fests will be enough to appease the crowd whether you paid the $20 per head or not. I'm so glad we didn't.

The one meager highlight of the show was Richard Band, Chuck’s brother, who writes and conducts the music for most of the Full Moon library. The brief time he was on stage seemed to be the only spark of intelligent commentary for the whole affair, and Charles’ one redeeming quality. Too bad most of you won’t meet Richard, as he is only scheduled to appear on a few dates of Chuck’s little venture.

What struck me most were the tens of people who actually showed up for this farce, who were, for the most part, enchanted by Chuck’s little freakshow. The guys who were sitting directly behind us were going on and on about their newly purchased (and grossly overpriced) toys and merchandise. They heartily laughed at all of his bad jokes, and drooled over the ‘hot’ half naked chicks. Really? Really guys? Are you that starved for quality entertainment ? Or are we just too discerning...

Frankly Chuck, it's clear that you are just a dirty old man (kudos to the one 'chick' who called you out for staring at her ample breasts) trying to pawn off your tired merchandise to make a buck. My guess is that you'd be better off staying at home making sub-par T&A "Horror" (and I use the term loosely) flicks, in your BIG producer's chair. This sad attempt at financing your (ahem) habit may have been more successful oh, say 25 years ago when your films were actually worth watching.

P.S. and by the way....not every member of your nerdling audience is a "DUUUDE" and you would do better to show just an inkling of respect toward the other 55% of the world's population. As for myself, I'm taking my D cups outta here.

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